his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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