it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
