I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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