I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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