I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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