I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
