Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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