I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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