Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
