if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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