rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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