omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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