Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
