Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
