a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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