Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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