I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
