You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
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i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He felt like a one man threesome
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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