and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
