I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
