i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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