you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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