Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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