this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
