Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
