my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
