I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
