I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
