i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
