I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
