let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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