if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
