The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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