I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
