my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
