ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
