so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
