i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
