is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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