I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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