I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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