my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
