If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
