Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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