So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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