I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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