worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
