Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
