i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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