I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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