the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
