you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
