So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
