Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How naked do you want me to be?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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